Mike was bored as hell. His job was noble, but it was boring. He's beginning to think those things are related. It felt like ages since the last arrival. He really just wanted something new. He knew that from their perspective, new people arrive here each second. The thought provided little comfort. Just when he was about to reach his limit and put up an autoresponder, the flasher lit up, along with his face. The door at the end of the staircase opened up, and out walked a nude young man with cuts, bruises, and burn marks everywhere. "What the hell is this?! Did I actually just die?!" Mike stepped calmly over to the arrival, put his hand on his shoulder, and, hiding his glee, proclaimed, "Hello, my friend! Welcome to heaven, a place where nothing ever happens!" "Ok well that's stupid." The new arrival wasn't as relieved as most to be here. Mike shrugged it off. Sometimes people get overly attached to life. "Alright. Just fill out this sheet and follow me." He handed him the paperwork. "... It's blank" "Yep! Now let's get going." - The arrival's name was Green. That was pretty much all he'd written on the sheet. Mike was getting tired of all this guy very fast. "So, Mr. Green! Let's set the stage. You are dead, and my name is Mike." "Dumb name." "Alright, listen up!" Mike flashed a smile, the kind that was more sign of sudden catharsis than joy. "You're dead! Everything you've learned on Earth doesn't apply here! So you'd better shut up and listen to the only one here who has any sort of experience with this place. And by 'any sort of experience' I mean I've been taking care of it since it was created. Understand?" Green was taken aback. He gave a shaken stare and blurted out, "Wait- God?" "Common misconception. I am not God. I'm Mike. Big big difference. That guy runs a way bigger scope. And to tell the truth, I was exaggerating a little when I called this place heaven. There'll be more explanation as we go through, I promise." "Okay, so you're not God, so you can make mistakes, right?" No response. "I'm gonna be completely honest, I was not meant to be here! No chance in hell, or whatever you guys have instead. I've ruined lives, man. I've taken them. I'm a goddamn villain. Do you have any idea what I did on Earth? I-" Mike was fed up with this guy. They never really had to deal with people who didn't believe they were in heaven. People were usually pretty happy to believe that they were blessed with eternal joy. He'd heard that the other side had a whole group of people dedicated to convincing people of the truth, but this was never his business. They think about his wish for something new and chuckle silently at the irony. "To answer your question, I do know what you did on Earth. And you have a point! You definitely made some really bad calls! But do you wanna hear a secret?" Before Green had the chance to respond, Mike stood up, clasped his shoulders, and stared furiously into his heart. His mouth never moved, but the room shook with the words. "Pretty much EVERYBODY goes to heaven."