I have a lot of schoolwork, and my free period ends in a decaminute, so I probably shouldn't be writing a blog post right now. But I will anyways. I just saw an image that weirdly evoked an image in me. I was looking around on wikipedia, trying to strengthen my intuitive knowledge (in contrast to the abstract knowledge of how something is mathematically defined) of planar graphs, and I got it, then I clicked a link to the page for "Genus (mathematics)", and then I noticed the 2-genus surface was called a Teapot, and I was like, oh! is that their actual mathematical name? so clicked the link that read "Teapot" and it led to Teapot and I looked around, partially looking for something to do with math but also just browsing. And I saw a link in the See Also to something called a Briq, and it mentioned that it was traditionally used by Lebanese and Syrian Arabs. I was like, hey, I'm Syrian, let's see about it. and I clicked the link, and the image was, it was.
and I was like, wow. idk. it was very evocative to me. 1889. that's like, fuck. 135 years ago. those are guys. and look at what they're eating. i can't make out everything bc of the camera, but the bread. I've eaten bread just like that, dipping it just like, that with my family, so many times. It's just weird to think about these two dragomans from 1889. i think this is a feeling other people know. but i never saw images of Arabs from 1889. it's really a feeling. ok, im out of time. happy Leap day, everybody. love yourself
I feel really, really, really, really good about myself right now. not to say that i'm necessarily doing well emotionally; there still are some things bringing me down. but i feel good about myself. i feel like a god (gender neutral). i feel like a goddess (not gender neutral). myself is just the coolest shit in the world.
im working on a project thing. it's going alright. I get a little worried at points as I work on it that it won't be good enough. like, not that it won't meet the goals, but that it's rotten in premise. but I've already committed myself to it. might as well keep going. and im sure She'll like it.
i dont have that much to say, unfortunately. school is tiring me out. im out of pepsi, coke, and monster. which means i probably have to start getting better sleep.
i want to make music. i had thoughts in the car today. about song names. im always having thoughts about song names. never having thoughts about song parts or stems. but i wanna change that.
last night was so amazing. the night before that was also so amazing. some side-thoughts in my brain are having a low-stakes youtube-comments-style argument about which night was more amazing. i think it was maaaaybe probably last night, but it might just be recency bias. le re nicte cu voi mi gijo'oi pensi ki gi mi jinvi co se xagrai be ki .i ta'o mi no'e birti po lu« mi jinvi co se xagrai be ki »li'u mansa drani jecu smudu'i lu« mi jinvi po ki xagrai »li'u .i mi ca zenba co birti. I tried working it out like this:
* mi jinvi co se xagrai be ki
* mi jinvi bepo se xagrai be ki
* mi jinvi po se xagrai be ki
* mi jinvi po se xagrai ki
* mi jinvi po ki xagrai
ta'onai, yeah. life has been good. I spent time with my soulfriend, to be clear about what made those nights so incredible.
testing testing 1 2 3 (the blog updater php script i use might be buggy)
yeah, my last blog post was long, I know. it was about multiple topic tbh, some more than others. now, if you're reading this, and I know you are. don't feel guilty. please. i mean it. do not. please. thank you. I love you.
and since I can't fight the urge to give you tips and tricks that might help you feel better, even when you aren't there: remember that we're the same. when you think something about yourself imagine saying it about me. if it feels wrong when its about me, it's wrong when it's about you. thank you very much
so, muncee is dead, right? the word appears archaïcally scattered throughout my life but muncee itself is dead. and now we have Heaven. and the thing is, most of the problems that plagued muncee do not plague Heaven. this is good! this is a good thing. i want to make that clear
but Heaven has new problems. different problems from the ones that muncee had. and see, I'd gotten really good at dealing with muncee problems. but Heaven problems? it's uncharted territory for me.
now, i'm very lucky to have someone to keep me afloat in this uncharted territory. she's the soulfriend I mentioned in a previous post. but there's a problem. i dont think it's a problem that will make our relationship fall part (and i fall back into suffering) but it is a problem.
see, I have this tendency to, whenever I discover some aspect of me, a problem or not, I dig all the way down to the very bottom of it to understand it completely. I think I do this more often with problems, or at least it's remembered more with problems, because usually when i deconstruct a problem, it helps me counter it. so this part of me has this kinda spin-off version where it's not about understanding every aspect of myself, but about resolving every internal problem I have in myself. now, this part of me (who I call "Spades", because like shovel, dig) isn't really a problem. in fact, she's been a huge help! I feel like I'm in a pretty good mental state, especially relative to most people I know in similar situations to me, and especially especially relative to my past self.
see, the problem arises in this: other people are not so lucky as I to have a Spade. one of these other people who is not so lucky as I to have a Spade is my soulfriend. and see, this is a problem, because that means that she still has problems much like (though mostly not equivalent to) the ones I had that Spades dissolved for me. and so when I see her suffering like that Spades goes ballistic. she just fucking loses it. because I want to solve those problems so bad. It's her mind, not mine, so I can't just contemplate and contemplate until I have an answer. But Spades doesn't give up that easy: we could talk about the problems. that would work, right? we just talk about the problem for as long as it takes and then once we understand it it will disappear. but she doesn't want to do that. justifiably. i mean maybe she does and now's a bad time but i doubt she would. because that's tiring shit. it's one thing when it just fills up all the time when you aren't doing anything, but it's another thing when it fills up time we could be using to reënergize ourselves and have fun.
but im dodging the actual problem affecting me right now, and that's that even if I can in the future sit down with her and talk about the problem and take it apart and solve it, I can't right now. and that's hard for me, I think. I never got close to people before and I think my existence is inseparably tied to hers. i kinda miss the stage in our growing closer when i was in the middle ground between "i dont know who she is" and "if she died i would die". i mean i dont dislike the stage im in rn. it's nice here. but you know. it kills me to see her suffer like this. it really kills me. i can't describe what it's like for those in the crowd who like me would instantly imagine the sensory experience of my imagery. she'll be better eventually, at least, but the problems will still be there. just, benign, like a tumor, waiting for the perfect time to strike.
something tells me she would feel similar about me if i had problems that were like hers in severity [faupoda'i mi ra simsa loni jusra fa lo nabmi be ce'u]. it's good that that means she'll probably understand this. it was good to get this off my chest too.
omg omg omg omg omg omg omg. [10:38 am]
School starts back up today. i knew it was gonna be hard but damn! I miss my soulfriend. I haven't updated this blog in a while, I know. I think the break was really a break for me. I have the right to take a break. It was a good break. i spent time with her. it wasn't only good things but what is? it was a lot of good things.
there's things on my mind but i don't know how much I'm going to go into detail on them in here. maybe i'll go back to daily blog posts. it's possible
here come midterms. more concerningly, here are midterm projects. and they came right when I'm like, peaking in amount of ongoing projects and project energy. i'm going to need to change my lifestyle to ensure I have energy for this. in other news, I think i slept wrong, and now my throat is killing me, and they set the heater on so damn high at school and I wore a thick undershirt and my skin is killing me. im making a conlang again, for the first time in at least 1.5 years. ahhg my throat fuck.
i'm gonna fucking make a python script for DEC <-> BNPE. e'esai toi'e li'a. i'm good at this. e'e sai si cai. and the thing is it's not just e'esai but eisai. and so aisai.
ok, we've done this before, we can do it again. we know why we have to do it. "we'll be too sad to do any work for school or for fun projects!" yeah, fucking, right. open sluha.pri.ee/stuff/garfield.php we're getting to fucking work. *slams drink down on table the sudden movement clearly hurts me but I don't slow my roll* we're getting to fucking work. we're getting to fucking worlk.
(7:14 pm / 19:14) that problem i mentioned isn't happening right now. whether this is brief respite or final freedom is not to be known to me of now. but what i can tell you dear blog reader is that i love you. And i know you're reading this now. i love you so much.
i wrote like half a blog post at school today bc I felt bad about how I haven't blogged in a while + i dont like when there's more than a week btwn posts + i was going to earlier but I forgot what about. but none of that matters now because the stuff I wrote stopped being true in the middle of writing it. and now I have a bloggable thought.
so i did this thing once online with posts and statuses and such with the phrase "I can't be the only one!". It was like, a sentence that I thought of a lot, partially as a way to point out a certain class of problems and badfeelings I had about it. The only evidence I have of the period is from October 17th so we'll say it was around there. And so recently, today, I don't know what exactly sparked it but I was thinking about I Can't Be the Only One again. and I realized well ok, i dont really feel that anymore. so I feel good in that area, we're cool? no. i have a new, parallel sentence to describe a source thought of many bad feelings: "She can't be the only one."
see with I Can't Be the Only One it was like a cry. Crying out to the world saying please god I can't be the only one like this, like me. There has to be someone out there who is like me and understands me. And well now I know someone like that. and it's awesome.
But what I didnt know is that as hope comes in bad times, in good comes fear.
i am so fucking scared, I was all day. I thought it was that kind of fear of nothing in particular (terpa zi'o) I have sometimes but no, I was scared of something. I'm scared of fucking this up. Because if she's the only one, then if I fuck up, I won't just be back to square one, I'll be finished. At least in square one I had learned to cope with it; i've probably forgotten now. at least in square one I didn't know what I missed; now I know. And the thing is I can't even tell myself it's an unfounded fear. If it was unreasonable at least I could consciously diminish (flexible word use) it as such. But it's not; fucking up a beautiful relationship is totally characteristic for me. I've done it before, I can imagine how it could happen now. I know she likes me, I dont doubt that, and I know I like her, I doubt that even less. But what if that's not enough. What am I gonna do if it turns out after jumping that wall named "no one understands you in what you communicate and how you think" there's another one in front of me named "you're the problem this time buddy". and ofc all this fear is irrealis; it's not about something happening now but about something I fear may happen in the future. maybe the fear itself (leka terpa) is contributing to the feared (le se terpa). But I can't just not be scared. I mean, I told you why. What if she's the only one. And I know she's probably not, and/but even if she isnt that doesnt make me less scared. Because I dont just like her bc she understands hzrn but I like her bc her. the thought of losing her and then having another friend come who understands hzrn makes me pretty much just as sad as the thought of losing her and being back to square lonely. She's taking actions to ensure that we don't fall apart which I appreciate very very very much. But I don't know what I'm doing! Idt im a bad friend but I think I'm bad at being a friend. No. I'm not. I'm just scared. [you're not allowed to make fun of me for this next part]
think of fear as an equation. now, there's probably other factors realistically (at least for most people), but let's keep it simple for now and say fear = chance of event * scariness of event. seems reasonable. so now let's say you know that there's a 0.9 chance that when you wake up tomorrow morning you will find your milk spoiled (an event with a scariness level of let's say 6). Now, your fear of this event will be, under this simplified model, 5.4 fear units. 5.4 terps.
the event i've been talking about has a seemingly infinite scariness level, so even as I approach 0 with my expected likelihood, i'm very scared
I will probably feel better tomorrow. I'm probaby just terpa zi'o today. Thank you for reading my emotions, blog reader. I [something something] you
i am always having Crushes on Girls. it is just always happening.
just watched my first episode of azumanga daioh. wonderful little show. enjoyed it a lot. i especially liked it when the one girl tried to talk to the cool quiet girl but got all flustered. i do that
oisai xadni mi... i le xadni be mi yeee-ouch. my back hurts, my eyes are tired, my body is tired. ugh.idk what i even did wrong. i'm drinking a monster rn that should help. augh idk why that would help actually it's not like it's back medicine. I need someone to punch me really hard in my back. im listening to MM..FOOD by MF DOOM that. might help. and im at school aughghtuhgha. i just wanted to complain. thanks for listening to my aughs and ooghs, blog reader. and I love you.
god i feel amazing. i vleo this lrwod. i vleo this lrwod i vleo this lrwod i vleo this lrwod and you know what? i vleo uyo. i vleo uyo. i vleo uyo
ok post making time because i feel amazing i feel better than i ever have it is cutrently 12:29 AM and i am about to go to sleep yall are getting a *music bite* STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS BLOGGGGG...
so my last postwas about how i like am a girl and shit right. pretty dope that's pretty that's pretty cool [ITYSL george bush impersonator voice: i think it's cool!]. now i gotta talk about MOrE shit that would get me in trouble with family yaaay. this isn't self-destructive i hope it's not. what would be self destructive would be talking about my feelings on the death of omegle haha. rest in dirt.
so i've been watching this show atlanta, right? good show, i'm enjoying it so far. and you see there's this running gag, if you will, in my life, where the women i'll be attracted to will be just absolutely beautiful women. maybe not by all common cultural standards but fuck those, they are gorgeous gorgeous women. and yk i dont throw around that word. but you see the men i'll be attracted to are like. weird unlikable bald guys, autistic. they have to be autistic for me to like them. but they look like they type of people someone would say about them that they look like they could do a great ironically-mediocre walter white cosplay.
but there's this character in the show. paper boi. his name is alfred but man i call him paper boi. and man he is hot. now you see i've only seen like the first 7 episodes of the show so if you look him up and see something from the later seasons. i'm just saying yk dont get it twisted. also like whatveer yk i get nervous abt these things like "oh you just have see him in motion" but like tbh if you think he's not hot that's fine. it's your choice yk it's whatever. but i think he's really attractive.
though i'm not really into men often it's a very infrequent thing for me. it's been months i thihnk. holy guacamole it's 12:39 pm good night everybody i love you all. i love you especially, blog reader. here's a heart: <3 (heart means love like i love you)
ok so it's about time now. let's tell the FULL STORY
so, it's early october 2022. an any-pronouns muncee decides to try to mix it up a bit, and begins she/her thursdays: any pronouns all week, but she/her is (partially) preferred on thursdays. now this resulted almost immediately in me coming upon a wild realization: i like this. i like it a lot. in this period thursdays became my favorite day of the week by millions: a day that would otherwise be one of the lowest in the week, blowing saturday and friday out of the water. now, though I am certainly prone to denial, I have never been the type to ignore things when I already know what they mean. My denial cuts it off earlier than that; once I know what something means, I can't just look away.
on November 7th, 2022, the 8347th day of the 3rd millenium, I was cleaning my room when I suddenly fell to my knees. I caught myslef with a nearby laundry basket, and pulled out my phone. I opened discord for mobile browser, and at 5:11 PM (17:11), to a server of my friends, I typed: "I'm a woman"
Ever since then, I have been a girl. And I have been dealing with the consequences. I adopted the name HZRN for a name referring only to this new me. I grew and changed as a person, and became who I am today.
Today, as I write this blog post, it is November 7th 2023, the 8712th day of the 3rd millenium, and 5:35 PM (17:35). It has been one year since I fell to my knees. One year since this all began.
There's nothing else to say. This story feels unfinished, but that's because it is. I have yet to come out in the real world. If you know me from the IRL and you're reading this, I'm going to beg you: please, don't tell anyone. thank you. and thank you, dear blog reader, for reading my blog. it comforts me that you exist. and I love you.
hey everybody. sorry im so late with the FULL STORY. im struggling to find the exact dates of things. and idk if i can. but it will be out by tmrw (important date). today im gonna talk about something very pertinent to the full story. so pertinent, in fact, that one may even say it's the same damn thing.
so i've been getting closer to people recently. one person chiefly. and I'm gonna try my best to have ULTIMATE TACT because there's private matters in it. also I know she's reading this (hii). so, the other day, she shared with me an image of text where she referred to me by name. name, and pronouns. she, and her. twice. now I thought I was done with this emotional reaction. I thought that it didn't really make my heart do that anymore. but it does! and oh my god it did. oh my god it did. it's that special joy that I struggle to find anywhere else. it's that special joy that made me make this change in myself in the first place.
i dont really have anything else to say beyond that this event filled me with joy the other day. byebye blog reader iloveyou.
btw I should probably stop being cryptic about what the FULL STORY is about. i'm a girl. yeah. man that was scary to type hey if you're my family please just uh ignore this please
btw I changed my phone background for the first time since I got it (a little over a year now). V2 ultrakill :3
well, dear blog reader, it appears I may have hit something of a roadbump. see, when I tell you the FULL STORY, i want to be accurate. I want dates, god dammit, and I want them correct! but the problem is, a major source of information I use in determining dates of things in the story is a discord server that I'm currently not in. so that means i can't in good conscience write the FULL STORY right now. now, the good news is that I have intention to reënter that server starting November. so the FULL STORY will most likely be posted on the first (8706). Wait holy shit that's a week from now. god damn... well, thank you for your patience!
So recently (yesterday) a friend of mine said something to me that really got me thinking. we were talking and it came up how I only socialize online, not in the IRL. she said, and I paraphrase, "one significant factor is that on the internet you can somewhat fast forward to being who you want to be". and I had never thought of it like that before, but it makes so much sense. that really is what I do when I'm online! i'm trying to fast-forward to being who I want to be!
see, I haven't really talked on here before about this. actually I don't think I have at all! my decision to be open about it was very recent, and it wasn't like a "coming out" or anything, I just put pronouns on my aboutme. but this is something that's really omnipresent in my life (mostly due to Society), and I mean, I should tell about it here, right? it's not like i think i have a duty or anything. it's not like i think i have to. I understand that really this shit isn't anyone's business but my own. but i feel like it's only right that I talk about it here.
if you can't tell, I'm scared to. i'm scared to talk about it. because of the consequences. what if someone I know irl reads this and tells my parents? that's the main conquence really. but it is scary. i've come to learn recently that in a lot of respects I am a fundamentally scared person: i'm scared of people, for the most part. but it's like. i'm stalling here. i have to give you all the FULL STORY. but this blog post is far too long already. i feel like the FULL STORY is something that should exist as its own thing. so I will submit this blog post, and then I will start typing up the FULL STORY in another one. hopefully it will be posted today, but I can't make any promises. i'll see you then. and i'm sorry for having two blog posts in a row on the same day be essentially just "my next blog post is gonna be huge it's gonna be a big deal".
hiii everybody. I'm sorry I haven't uploaded in a bit, life has been rather hectic and the computer I usually use has stopped connecting to the internet. now, for fortunately or unfortunately, today will probably be a day with two blog posts. because as of now I have about 2 minute and 30 seconds to write this post. and I have things I want to write a post about! But i prefer not to write them under the prying eyes of the public. so I'm gonna make this post now, and then soon I'll make the post about the thing i want to talk about.
In other news (well, it's just "in news" in this case), things have been alright. the school play is coming up so i'm staying late and weekends for rehearsal. but that's fine. and I'm on page 40 on translating homestuck to lojban! which i never told you im doing. lol. anyways. there's probably other things but that can ocme later i have to go BYE!!
i just played some ultrakill. technically I shouldnt bc its a school night but I did it anyways :3
it certainly improved my mood!
lmao I just realized apparently this site's "first uncensored f-bomb" was not when I said it was. apparently it slipped out just the day before, on the 8th of this august. funny! (i have more to say but I think that will wait for the next post here. either tonight or tmrw we'll see how it goes. mentally)
hey btw if you know me irl and you're reading this site could you do me a solid and not mention it to anyone? including me. just like, total MIB. you never saw it. thanks
dear blog reader. i think i'm in love with you.
[context: hzrn has just backread some of her old blog posts] you notice how how the older posts are different? like, they're so much shorter, and often they won't say how I feel, they just vaguely gesture in its direction. i think something happened to me over the summer. i mean there's the green/cyan divide, which i think you might be able to notice it if you look for it and if you already know what it means, but this one i think is different. i like the change tbc. i think it reflects good things about my mental state & complexes. i dig this blog tbh.
ok back on the blog. things have been going better. it's not too bad rn. things are still rough here and there, but i've taken actions (biiiig actions) to get rid of the problem and it's pretty much gone! im glad to announce that the only problems that remain are the ones that i've accepted that they will be around.
yesterday was 8686. in millenium dates. that means that it was the 8686'th day of the 2000s. if you didn't already know, 86 is my all time favourite number. so even though yesterday wouldn't be great or even good otherwise (school duration + work duration = 12 hours ==> tiiiireeed...), it was a good day!
i've been lojbanning a lot recently. im enjoying it a lot. im finding out about changes to the language in years since the CLL and I'm really liking those. reforms, reforms, reforms, baby! of course, I'm not gonna rashly accept whatever i like (partial lie), i'm gonna hear out the people who don't like the reform (partial truth). but it's still a lot of fun to me
tbh i think the only main problem around right now is that school and work is tiring me out. but it's not too bad. it's uh. well ok i can't think of a reason so ig you'll just have to trust me that it's not too bad. well hzrn out
hey yk if you saw my last blog post and you know me. you like, have a way to contact me or something, like my discord or tumblr or anything like that. please let me know, will you? thank you.
and just like that i'm sad again! oh wait my last blog post was about how i've been feeling down? damn. well i'm sadder than that. i'm not just down. im fucking sad. i really am really fucking sad
part of it is because i have had a LOT of work this week. more than I have ever had before in one week. and it's draining me. it's sucking my soul. i hate it. and another part of it is because of the same thing that was ailing me on the 25th, a few posts ago. it's still here. i hate i hate i hate that it's still here.
and it's vicious. it's really really vicious. because the one thing I use to fight these sorts of problems just isn't an option here. it can't do it. and so now i have no moves. there's nothing I can do to fight this. i thought i could just wait for it to go away but i couldn't.
this is bad metaphor but it's like when there's a too-hot food that you really want to eat. and you try to wait. you really try to wait for it to cool down. but you just can't go that long without eating it when it's right there in your hands. and it burns your mouth and it hurts so much for the rest of the day, and you think damn. if i had waited just a few more seconds I would have been able to eat it comfortably, and this never would have happened. and also you didn't even really get to enjoy the food, because the sensation of pain clouded your taste
it's like that but if you've been poisoned with a non-lethal but horribly painful poison, and the food is the antidote.
i know nobody i know is reading this. much less anybody involved. if you are though, uh. sorry I thought i would have something to say but I don't.
im sorry reader. I know you dont really want to read this kind of thing. I understand. It's long, it's sad, it's vague, you take nothing away from it. but this is a blog, in the end. I hope you understand.
i've been feeling down recently. the past few days. i know why. i'll have to wait a little before i feel better, my prognosis says.
i finished the CLL (Complete Lojban Language). Now I have to learn vocabulary (hard but very important), and learn theory (easy and fun but I probably don't need it). And practice ofc
I updated my aboutme, that's important. I put pronouns on there. I'm still unsure of whether it was the right move. I don't know. I wish there was a way to receive feedback with this thing, like bill wurtz's questions page. i mean i think there is but it's annoying and for businesses (it's very "for businesses"). well. i guess it's better than nothing. i might as well set it up
maybe since I can't talk about my Current Problem in the one social circle I'm in, I could talk about it here? maybe I could ask you all now, and then once I have the feedback/questions page set up you could tell me whether that's a good idea there? maybe. ok bye
never mind im good
im a little depressed but im gonna get better soon you watch. heheh.. you wathc. in all seriouslyness i am pretty freakin' depressed right now. consarn it im. im really fucking sad.
wow i can't believe i missed 9/11 on here. i am genuinely ashamed. i hoppe ou'll forgive me
i've officially been 17 for 8 days. well it's gonna be 9 or whatever by the time i finsh this post. i dont like wrapping my head around fencepost shit. whatever. tomorrow im gonna write a post about a marxist analysis of Born Under Punches (The Heat Goes On) by Talking Heads. im gonna continue translating steamed hams to lojban. and yeah. woohoo!! it's midnight and im crazy tired lol. well. 11:56. this is a stream-of-consciousness post btw if you couldn't tell. 11:57. I forgot to open my soda tonight and now it's too late I dont know what to do. i have work tomorrow that sucks. i need the money though yk. i've been running out lol. 11:58 although it's not like i need the money to live or anything. that's the pro of living at home with my parents and stuff (in contrast to the many, many cons). my head hurts like hell. i should get some sleep but i think i have a few more things to say. 11:59 i probably dont. whatever. I know im gonna forget about this blog probably soon eventually that';s just how blogs go and i wont update in 3 months and ill be like "whoopsies!!!!". im gonna try and update. this should be positive for my mental health. 12:00
17 years old baby!!! who do you think you are i am!! (i actually have been for a day or two)
I love playing a fun video game with my friend. I did that on monday the 14th not today. It was so fun i hope i get to do it again. I had wings for lunch yesterday which was nice. i read this great chapter of worm (Hive 5.4).* Ok apparently I didn't submit this lol. I wrote everything before the star on the 16th. Now it's the 17th. Well whatever.
man i really hope im not being a creep or a weirdo right now. I hope those were normal emotions to have and not evil ones. but I am asking myself what the hell am i doing here tho bc it's past midnight baby.! dear lord.. gotta go to sleep. ok goodnight reader. and who ever you are, i love you
a really cool girl gave me a really nice compliment today. idk if i will ever recover.
(This happened online of course, on tumblr.)
But in all seriousness. it's kinda crazy, you know? You spend all these months building a strong trust in someone's opinion, and then one day that opinion ends up being that you're nice and you're funny and it's like huh...
and it's not like i had a poor self-image or anything. i've always thought of myself in a pretty positive light. maybe it's bc i had been feeling, and this is a new feeling for me, i was feeling scared of the thought of her deciding that actually I suck and disappearing or blocking me or something. I know it sounds silly but this is the first friendship (or mutualship or whatever) where i actually feel confused as to what i did to deserve this? It's like. she's so cool. she's giving this awesome gift of her awesomeness. And what am I giving back? it feels like it's nothing! What if she leaves! Oh no! Ahh!!
i guess that's why it's really nice to hear it. i love compliments. i think i am pretty great. i think that even though my life has a lot of problems. even though a lot of bad things are happening. I think it's gonna be ok. im gonna live, aren't i?
ok so it's incredibly clear to me what i have to make my blog post about today. there's literally nothing else it can be about. i am going to write this entire blog post today about Tattletale from Worm, also known as Lisa Wilbourn. Im doing this because SHE IS THE FUCKING COOLEST!!!! yeah that's right! this website's first uncensored f-bomb, baby! and it's all because she is just THAT fucking cool!!
Unfooortunately, i can't go into that much detail because I don't want to spoil any of you guys from worm. I've only just finished part 3 today! but nonetheless. I just have to say. i had like. a category 5 lesbian moment today. she's just so cooooool... i love her
I was reading Worm at work today. i realized aruond then that like. I haven't had a story in just text get me this uppity, this giddy, in years!! i love it
Today was a pretty good day i think. I read some cool chapters of Worm, i did well in my classes (mostly), I made a little bit of progress on the Every Garfield Comic spreadsheet, I passed this super intimidating Drama check. It was a pretty decent day! Unfortunately there is simply much to be worried about with me working tomorrow and having stuff due on Friday, and I'm a little rusty on making myself not worry about these types of things ig :P
Well no matter! Even if I fuck up big time, I will not die!!
oops! my two blog posts from yesterday were erased! it's okay though, because i didn't say anything in there that mattered. I just let you all know that I can now update my blog from school! I hooked up something on replit with php –– it turns out i've still got it! I was worried that i would have been rusty, so that was honestly a relief. anyways. im gonna try for daily updates on here now, but honestly, I'm not expecting or hoping for it: most days aren't reallty anythign to write home about :P ok, see ya next time
Things you should know about my life now: my school buffed their blockers, now i can't update the site from school :(. i'll try to be a little more consistent but we'll see
I started reading Worm recently! i'm liking it a lot :) Taylor is really one of the best characters i've ever read about
I listen to they might be giants now yeah. i have for a few months, i really love them
Over the summer I played a lot of games :D. Early in the summer i played Disco Elyisum which like, god. Really one of the best stories ever. Really affected the way I see myself. Incredible.
Then I played Portal and Portal 2 which i LOVED!! I love GLADoS SO MUCH!!!! if she was real i would be at her beck and call i tell you what.
after that, I've been playing a lot of smash ultimate recently. I play samus, and i think i've been getting pretty good :)
what else, what else, i guess that's pretty much all you need to know. i really feel very different than i did before this summer. like a whole different girl. anyways. catch ya later!
wow... i haven't updated this place all summer... god, i haven't updated this place since i finished BETTER CALL SAUL!! that feels like decades ago!
look at me not updating for months, i really am the owner of a blog on a website :)
oh yeah btw i finished better call saul. favourite show. this is my favorite tv show without a doubt. i love better call saul. better call saul!!!
Radio Head by Talking Heads goes so hard. nah, it doesn't go "hard". it goes fun. like i'm not gonna say that it's intense or something. but it sure as hell is JAUNTY. that is a JAUNTY song.
redesign to the site is finally gettin done. when i get done im gonna like it. i really hope i like it.
It's been a hell of a week... in good news, I finished making the new index (mostly)! all that's left are the art and math index revivals
Wow god it's been a WHILE since i blogged here huh? well yk. things are going, ig.
i started playing Disco Elysium and i'm connecting with it a lot. really interesting stuff in that game i say.
i'm about to finish better call saul. i'm scarily close. im scared. I'm gonna watch Plan and Execution next and man. this is something huh
school is hard. it's really hard. but i'm keeping up. mostly. at the sacrifice of my health and relationships and other endeavors and generally the rest of my life
i didn't start journaling. school is still making me feel crummy. and i didn't start urinetown or seinfeltarune.
im gonna start journaling
man school is great at making me feel crummy and not wanna do anything
happy new year to all even the losers and haters. especially the losers and haters. as a new years give i am officially startng urinetown this or next week. and seinfeltarune is starting again
if you have a crush on me 2022 lmk 2022
i see myself in a lot of ficitonal characters. idk what that means about me.
if kms didn't already have a meaning it could mean Christmas
im feeling kinda down. this break is gonna be hard. floating aimlessly and such. maybe it's a crash from that Mean Bean Java Monster.
ap bio got me like *random gif from tenor*
css more like pee piss piss
Made a lot of progress on the mp3 player in the playlist project today are you proud of me
Gonna finish breaking bad by the end of the year im about to start S5E4 it's really good so far.
Bart Huges > be a librarian with a good knowledge in medicine > name daughter Maria Juana > get refused of a degree > claim that drilling a hole in your skull can make you constantly high > drill a hole in your skull > make cartoons about drilling a hole in your skull with your girlfriend > die of a heart attack at 70
god i wish i was aware of hyperdictionary when it was around. i mean this was the exact kind of thing i would love so so much. i really really hope it's still active on a different domain or something. i wanna find out what happened to it, although i know it probably just shut down because it wasn't making any money. lemme test some embed i found on it with Wayback Machine.
ok it didn't work. this sucks so much rip fruitycuties rip sweet tomatoes rip hyperdicitonary i miss you all so much
man im not too happy with the state of a lot of things on this site. There's cool writing but. Idk. I should learn C++, or make a sprite comic.
I talk about Fear of Music.
you know a really weird emotion? when you're in a bad mental state but you know that its primary (if not sole) cause is very temporary. But you can't think about the future that comes after the cause is over. So you're kinda just sitting there waiting for circumstances more fertile for hope.
anyways life's been pretty stressful recently. Not a big fan if I'm being frank. and I am.
sorry, it's been a while between posts haha. anyways. im gonna be adding some new content to this site soon. stuff to fill up my free time. (also, the experiment didn't do much. if you cared)
cold sore never came, cool. fall break is next week and i'm declaring a few things. major one is: no looking stuff up all week. no google search, no nothing. i can't search for an information or a website on google search. im hoping this experiment is beneficial.
oh no. i see a very concerning cold sore in my near future.
it's pretty interesting how spending most of my life out of the real world has effected me. like, i've always been online a lot of the time, and then when i'm not online, i'm in my own head. always very disconnected from where i am, irl.
for one, it took me way longer to grasp the idea that I can't just cheat my way around every system in my life.
virtual school ABSOLUTELY caused this one too omg. like. for more than a year of my life, i could cheat on every assignment, pirate every game, pass through every firewall, everything. what really helped to bring me into reality was when i started getting and spending my own money. bc suddenly, if i wanted anything that costed more than i could pay, i couldn't just. take it. like, if i was walking around and i saw a book i wanted, i would think about how i could get it without paying way before i'd actually think of just. participating in the system. so now my first thought always turns to crimes n stuff bc idt i cant (or actually, i probably can now. i can't really tell) actually comprehend the fact that. commiting crimes might be a bad idea that could bring negative consequences.
anyways that's proabbly why it always annoys me when ppl are like "the new age has made kids think they can get anything just like that! they're disconnected from reality!" bc it's like yeah!!!! i am!!!! and it sucks!!!!!
man is it weird to look back at what i used to believe. i dont mean religion, it's more like woah i seriously used to believe that? and i don't really believe most things 100% but there are somethings with weirdly high percentages like apparently a little over a year ago i was an islamist (not like i was actually taking action i was just believing it)? i actually believed in ghosts just this summer? i thought that coca-cola co. put a chip in my brain that made me think i'd kill myself without coke?
i don't believe these things as much anymore ofc
flies are wild. imagine if you could fly and you flew into the sun and started eating it when a ginormous hand (you're about half the size of it's fingernail) comes and hits you with its finger. and then you get knocked off the sun and then you just FLY BACK and CONTINUE!!!! like wow
WOW two blog posts with a gap of only like 1.5 hours? wow! anyways. what i wanted to say is:
I think i'm gonna start saying that "I became disheartened" instead of "I suddenly lost all motivation" bc honestly it feels like it's not just motivation. it's not like i wanted to do it for reasons and then suddenly I did not. it's more like i was doing it, and then suddenly everything seems a lot greyer, metaphorically. and disheartened expresses that way better, at least for me
I think the [annoying/difficult] part about making this website is that i'm getting like 0-feedback on anything. like i can't get any motivation to update the blog if i feel like noone reads it, you know what i mean? i really wish riku.miso.town would start working, i wish i could get that goddam ID ugggghh. I'm gonna email this guy i'm talking to about it (you know who it is but i'm maintaining their privacy just in case) again and if that doesn't go anywhere i'm upgrading to Supporter and using php
can't believe i'm about to spend money so i can code in php. normally I spend money so i don't have to code in php.
that feel when your'e bored and want to update the blog but you don't have anything to say!that feel when. that!feeling.
school is getting pretttttty annoying. and the riku.miso.town key requests STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN RESPONSES!!!! dangit i reaaaaalllly wanna get this question page up and going i reallllly do. ughughugh.
what made smash mouth think it was a good idea to go from awesome ska punk in Fush Yu Mang (1997) to. to POP COUNTRY ROCK (Magic [2012])????? Like Fush Yu Mang is SUCH A GOOD ALBUMMM!!! im gonna go more into detail on my talking-about-art page on my art index soon but. it's soooooo good. and magic, sucks. it sucks so bad. the only really good thing is that there's a song called Justin Bieber that can be sorta funny if you look at it in a funny way (and it has a funny genius annotation) and that there's a song where he says 'resuscitate' so i can make him say 'sus'. those are pretty much the ONLY good things abt this album it sucks that much. it is so bewildering to think that they can go from "AWESOME ALBUM LITERALLY MY FAVORITE ALBUM I LOVE THIS ALBUM SO MUCH IT'S MY FAVORITE" to "ugh..." it PISSES ME OFF!!!!
that was fun, goodbye!
happy birthday to me, yes it is.
yayay i love this! the splash is my fav thing on the website i was really smart with this project. it was a great move! i had no idea how i was gonna do it going in but i figured it out along the way. yeah!
grrrr i hate this! the splash was my fav thing on the website i was TOO ambitious with this project. TOO ambitious, i say. i had no idea how i was gonna do it going in and now im stuck in a rut. grrrr!
isnt it a strange feeling when you come up with something after a lot of thinking by yourself and then you wonder if the idea(s) that you had existed already before (wonder in the sense that you think they probably do) and you look it up and it turns out there's actually not only a name for the ideas you had, but its a full blown theory! its a sorta big thing!
anyways it turns out i came up with Bundle theory (Bundle theory of substance technically but eh) all on my own bc i was bored and alone and i was thinking about objects, actions, and properties and BOOM i had the thought it was so cool. i feel so interconnected with the other people from years ago that had this idea. (btw i really wanna make an explanation of that whole object action property thing maybe a series of videos maybe just a section of the site. IK IM NOT THE FIRST ONE WITH TIHS IDEA BUT! i just wanna explain my use of it in my life)
you guys are lucky! only a 70-day gap between blog updates insteada 77! anyways im going ultra on the website now it's gonna be SO awesome thx for reading bye.
btw u guys can use this post to navigqte while im making the indexes
im a big fan of trochees. like yeas!
ok old blog got the delete bc i realizd thats not how blogz work. anyways here i will post my occasional hee hoo